I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
