he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
