i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize