She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
