He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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