I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
