Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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