The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
