K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Me too!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
