I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Pooping to opera.
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