Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just invented taco cereal.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
