I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
