He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
