my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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