I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
