I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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