Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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