Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
