i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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