battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
