Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
