one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
