If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
you had me at cake vodka
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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