I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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