New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
