you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
