My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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