did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
