I heard we made out
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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