Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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