You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
