Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
