All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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