Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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