Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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