I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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