My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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