Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
