Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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