Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
