Well douche your snatch and let's go!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
