ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
