the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
