Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
