well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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