I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
