I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
