No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
