p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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