Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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