Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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