we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize