I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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