My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
not ubering you a puppy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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