Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
