I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Are we still banned from the library?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
