my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
