I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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