These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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