i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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