Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
