Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
