apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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