All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
