I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
