im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No subtext here. People are naked.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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