Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
