You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
