Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize