I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
